Interlol

Peggle has two names.

The first, is simply “Peggle”. This is the one that the general public knows of. It has another name, known only by those who play Peggle, and it is: “Just one more go because I know this time I’ll get that last fucking orange peg and I don’t care what time it is, I’ll call in late if I fucking have to and STOP LAUGHING AT ME YOU STUPID FUCKING HAMSTER!”

It’s not always a hamster, however. Sometimes it’s a lilac unicorn, sometimes a alien with a questionable forehead appendage and occasionally it will be a wide eyed grinning pumpkin. It doesn’t particularly matter which one of the ‘Peggle Masters’ is assisting you in your demise; the truth of the matter is that Peggle is the answer to every nation’s problem with obesity.

You may have heard a few accounts of people from the orient engaging in insanely long World of Warcraft and Starcraft sessions that happen to pass away from lack of food, sleep and water.

Peggle is the next step.

WoW and Starcraft require skill and precision in order to enjoy a fairly long and involved gaming experience. Peggle has none of these requirements.  To click is to play.

Peggle, is able to remove the perception of time from the human mind. You may begin to play Peggle at 10:00pm, but you will glance at the clock after what you believe to be five minutes, only to discover that you’ve missed both Easter and Christmas.

Your adrenaline gland works overtime as your fury levels rise with every missed shot and far from dying of malnutrition, your muscles are kept in a semi working state. They pulse and vibrate as you hit the desk screaming “that fucking cat and his moving pyramid cost me the level!”

They keep themselves warm as Summer becomes Winter, you forget to pay the heating bill, they cut off your water and still ‘that fucking zen ball’ proves more to be comprised of idiot shots into the abyss below the bucket than a real help.

All the while they are burning themselves away completely rending you no more than a shadow. Stick men drawn by five year olds everywhere will look at you and think they are fat. You will find it taxing to click the mouse button, fearing your knuckles will snap with every shot and despite this, you will not be able to help yourself.

Peggle is more than a game. It is an addiction. It is worse than smoking, drugs and alcohol combined as with those substances, you can run out. As soon as you have welcomed Peggle into your home it sets up it’s own foundations and makes sure that it can never be removed.

TGIF becomes TPIF as you sit down onto your comfy leather chair, boot up your PC and double click the small red P that sits centre stage on your desktop. The loading screen appears and you thank the Peggle masters that you are allowed to spend the weekend in their company as one of their pawns.

If it were simply a case of beating each level in order to complete the game, Peggle wouldn’t have such a damning existence.

But it’s not the ordinary levels that get you. If you are a simple soul you might simply complete the regular game and think that is all there is. If you are one of these people then I want you to go out into the streets and cheer as loud as you can. Scream at the top of your voice that you have beaten Peggle, that you have not succumbed to it’s darkest side. That you did not see the option on the title screen underneath adventure that said ‘Challenges’.

For the rest of us, that word evokes a dread not felt since we were bottom of the food chain. Sure, the challenges seem easy enough. The first few are: play a couple of the first levels and hit an extra ten orange pegs. ‘Easy!’ you might think and you would be right at first, but then it becomes oh so apparent.

There is more – much, much more than just an extra ten pegs to remove. After that comes the duels, then the points challenges, and followed by the limited balls. These are simply mild inconveniences, though. It is the final challenge that will be your undoing.

It is the final challenge that will eat up your very soul and spit out a husk of a person: complete ten Peggle levels in a row.

That final challenge is the very proof of Hell’s existence. Contrary to what others may think; hell is not a pit of fire with a red skinned, horned and winged devil watching over you for eternity; making you toil for him.

It is your own desk with a white horned unicorn smiling at you, telling you that you will one day be a Peggle master as your will seeps with every missed ball.

There is no saviour however, no Peggle heaven waiting for you at the end of the carpal tunnel syndrome. Once you take that first step, once you hit your first peg, once you win your first round and hear that glorious rendition of Ode to Joy, your fate is sealed.

You belong to Bjorn now.